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I'm broken


It only took 47.5 years, but I finally broke a bone..
It's becoming a worker's comp nightmare,  but I'm focused on healing. The rest will work itself out.

before and after halloween

mommy and jaxenmommy and jaxen
jaxen and mommy
did not go to my dads, so had to take the pic at our house : 2008)
2009 :(
2010 2012v

thinking pink..

Shopping for Jaxen is a very trying process. 
He wants pink and hello kitty everything. 
Sadly, all the pink and hello kitty we are finding are in frilly girls styles and he thinks those are stupid.. 
So what are we to do?
We were walking through the store the other day and in the MENS section they have pink shirts, and sweatshirts.. even bathing suits. 

What kind of message is this sending? You have to be a certain size or age to wear pink? You have to be old enough to be aware of your decision to wear pink?

Why aren't boys allowed pink? Because it is a girl color and "weak"? Kids will call him "gay"? I just do not get it. 
The majority of people in Jaxens life are women.. and gay.. 
Pink is historically a strong color.
The women in his life are strong women.. 
The majority of the people in his life are part of the LGBT community. 
Does his love of pink make him weak? does it make him gay? 
Nope. He loves his girls.. He is a confident boy and pretty secure in who he is. 
Why is it so difficult to find clothes that he wants to wear?
I am pretty sick of gender dividers.


I remember being maybe 5yrs old and LOVING a certain dark blue jumper. I wanted to wear it every day. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and getting it out of the laundry just so I could wear it again.. I am not quite sure what happened but
somewhere along the way I discovered that I hated skirts and dresses and wanted to wear jeans, t-shirts, and hi-top sneakers. Was this a problem?
Well yes.
In the mid 1980s in upstate NY it was apparently NOT acceptable. I spent 2 years in high school being called "Gerald" for my choice in clothing. I was told straight out that it was because of what I wore and how I styled my hair.
So I got pink pants and a grey sweater with pink teddy bears on it.
I got a perm in my hair..
And I felt like a clown.
I hated myself.. 

 I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin, but I was not sure how to do that. So I went back to being a tomboy.. playing sports and wearing jeans and sneakers. I accepted that I should be able to wear what I want or cut my hair the way I want in able to feel comfortable in my own skin. This discovery, in conjunction by the way my parents and grandmother raised me, shaped my parenting decisions.

When Jaxen was a baby I gave him dinosaurs, super hero toys, and dolls to play with.. I made him camo, tattoo, & batman  diapers.  I also made him pink and rainbow sponge bob diapers.. I dressed him in jack skellington onesies and pink piggie baby legs... I had high hopes to have an alternapunk boy. But, more importantly I wanted him to be himself and not stick him in a certain genderhole.

What does jaxen love at the age of 5 and 1/2? Hello Kitty and anything Pink.
Does he like dinosaurs? a little.
Does he like superheros? Yes... the power puff girls.. 

Do I push this on him? Not at all.

Do I discourage it? Why would I?

I am distressed to learn that some of the biggest voices railing against my decision to not stifle Jaxens preferences and self expression are coming from within the LGBT community itself. I would think that I would have more of a support system from within the community. 

Does he think he is a girl? nope. 
Does he like boys? nope.
Would either of those things really matter if he did? nope. 

He likes to wear pink. He loves hello kitty. He likes to paint his nails. Why in the world would I tell him no? What purpose would that serve other than to crush his idea of self? He is an outgoing, confident, loving boy. I would not have him any other way. Why
would I force him to adhere to social pressures that I do not believe in? If he is happy in his own skin with his pink crocs on and his pink hello kitty back pack, who am I to tell him that he is wrong? I refuse to do that to him. Why should I deny him something that he is attracted to because of an arbitrary decision in the 1940s by store marketing campaigns? I refuse to do it. 

So judge me if you will.
I am not going to make him be something that he is not in order to please other people.
He is not hurting himself or other people,
Why would I discourage him from being comfortable in his own skin?
I won't.
I refuse. 




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Mar. 13th, 2012

step twins and their squinkies

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fun after xmas dinner at my dads

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Dec. 15th, 2011

SCORE :) the boys have their big presents

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thats my boy <3

Fabulous boy Fabulous boy

the boys

zane and jax decorating the treezane and jax decorating the tree

zane and jaxzane and jax

jax and zanejax and zane

jax and zane when i told them to pose like brothersjax and zane when i told them to pose like brothers

they. rock. they. rock.

Nov. 16th, 2011

I feel sad when I walk past uprooted flowers that are still in full color bloom. They try to look cheerful toppled over discarded in the street, but I can hear them silently weeping amongst the dead leaves and broken branches...


Suddenly awoke from years of slumber to find that my 2D black and white thought processes consisting of primal screams and survival grunts had once again transformed back into 3D multicolor prose.. ♥

the leaves are burning

with brilliant sunlight

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eye see you

from the other night when the power was out..

the flashlight i am using to read is resting over my aching shoulder and is casting its semi blocked light on the far wall. i glance from the too dark printed page and am startled by the oversized scooby dooesque eye staring at me.
it says
i see you
i know you
i quickly shift
and make it blink...
i roll over and feel its gaze burn into the back of my skull

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you are missed baby girl..

jaeci loving mommyjaeci loving mommy 13oct2006 nicu day 14, 2 weeks old

gay agenda for today

get jax up and to school
go take care of our friends cats
do some dishes
take zane for a walk
go pick jax up from school
hang out with the boys at the park with some friends
take zane and jax for a walk to the store
make dinner
wait for tory to come home make her dinner
sit in the kitchen and glance at the walking dead graphic novel keeping tory company while she bakes cookies
help torys friend out for an art therapy project by letting the boys draw for her
shower jax
read the boys books
get them to bed
spend some time on the internet. 

we are SO evil.. 

oh yeah

i am here
you are there

he is here
he is safe
you  are nuts.. 

we can leave it there.. 


move on
oh yeah. i will go there.. 
because the dog is burping on me and i am out of wine.. 
so i totally can..


keep reading.. 

it is SO easy to ignore your own shit and focus on someone else who is in a similar place that you are.. 
but it does not help you

stand up
face your own shit

you got there
because it is your own shit.. 
face it
accept it
deal with it
move on.. 

blank tablet 4.1 - the reboot

In an attempt to make sense of everything happening around me for the past year and 1/2 I relied too much on my antiquated education. 
Drawing upon my studies of philosophy and psychology, my brain kept returning to the  Epistemological theory of the Tabla Rasa. But it was not setting right. I looked back to the beginning of my memories and all that was imprinted on me. I rolled it over on my tongue like a fine wine, attempting to guess the separate flavors. I was attempting to use that same kind of sensory filing sort out the different sources of all my belief system. My views on life, on self.. In my brain I was seeing the tablet with chalk as envisioned in the 1980s. When my brain is struggling with the contrast of my CURRENT envisioning of a tablet. 

That of the one that comes complete with an operating system, wi-fi enabled internet.. the ability to adapt and hold any number of apps you wish to add to it, to personalize it and make it your own. The extension of your self outside of your self. We are able to pour out our souls onto these little machines. We are also given the god like power of taking these tablets, and crashing them.. wiping the memories clean and imprinting on them something else. A software update, a different operating system.. a whole new set of apps.. 

While we are perhaps born with out all the apps, I find it hard that we are not hardwired with a certain OS which guides us towards which apps perhaps work on our tablets?  I am holding on to my genetic hard-wiring, my essential OS, but for the past 18 months I have been involved in an unconscious memory dump. 

Today I stopped reading my book and looked up to the blue sky... It was not a blue screen of death. It was a blue screen of reboot, and as i watched a few jets fly by, and then a few birds.. It all made sense.. 

I just upgraded my software, and switched over all the apps in my brain.. 

this is me


details to follow ( sorry, mostly friends only. )

dear universe

i am looking for a hand UP
not a hand OUT
i promise to pay it all forward
if not back * if that qualifies as forward in this volitle economy *

just putting that out there.. 


happy would be 94th birthday gram..

ny mom and sister REALLY look like my gram, these are a couple of old pictures that i found where i resemble her a little.
gram gram in the '30s, it is one of the few pictures of her that i look like her
gram gram this is the best picture i have that i really see me in her

grams birthday is coming up..

Mahogany 1997
“It’s mahogany,” Grannie says, “it does nothing for you.”
She is 80, so I forgive her.
“I’m an artist, I need to express myself,” as I pull my ski hat back on.
“Get that thing off in the house.”
“No, this way you won’t have to look at my hair.”
“Why don’t you just express yourself back to black.”
“I can’t, my hair is getting too gray.” 
I am only 27, so she forgives me. 
in the safety of my own home, 
I stand in the shower and wash my hair.
She will be pleased, the red is washing out.
I wash it twice, 
My hands are full of mahogany suds. 
They remind me that day in P-town.
The one that sealed your fate.
How I had to search for sweatpants
on the day the town closed for the season
“Those aren’t for you are they? They’re not your size”
“No, they are for my girlfriend.” 
She is bleeding to death in the public bathroom.
I remember the old woman attendant 
questioning if everything is OK 
with a wavering voice. 
I tipped her $2, 
all I had left in my pocket,
for letting us both go into the same stall, 
especially since it was the small one.
I watch the suds slide down the wall
audible plops 
shock my memory
and I relive the sick feeling in my stomach 
watching the water transforming 
into dark cherry soda 
with the addition of your blood clots 
just like my miscarriage.
Like these suds. 
They are everywhere.
I think of the sight of the fibroid you birthed that day
and the redness of blood that is staying in your body
now that they took your uterus.
The water runs clear 
down my body
over my abdomen housing my barren uterus. 
I think of how the water sometimes runs crimson when it is my time to bleed. 
I wonder if my hair has faded to crimson.
I wonder if Grannie would approve.


"some people are grateful when you offer them what they want most, but some people are terrified of it. because to gain your hearts desire you have to lose some part of your old life, your old self.  to do that you have to have courage; without it you cant make the leap. and if you dont make the leap, you have only three choices: you can hate yourself for not taking the chance, you can hate the person for whom you've sacrificed yourhappiness, or you can hate the one who offered you the happiness, and blame them for your lack of courage, convince yourself it wasnt real. that way, you dont have to hate yourself. its always easier to blame someone else."

from laurell k hamilton - hit list

can you help out a friend?


Can you go to www.novaksbar.com and go to their homepage. On the right hand side there is a vote for employee of the month. Would you mind voting for Dawn (Benskin) She has lost the last couple of months by a vote or two and it is one of her goals to win and well I would like to make that happen. Plus she could really use the fifty bucks.

You can only vote once per ip address

Jul. 15th, 2011

I used to be sad
Now I'm just bored with you
You're doomed to repeat the past
'Cause nothing is gonna last


i have a fantastic idea.
how about you and your family leave us the fuck alone.
YOU kicked US out.
sorry you got dumped.
but dude, seriously
move the fuck on..

you stop, or stop your sister or your lesbian gang members or whoever the fuck you are hanging out with today from trying to friend me on facebook
it is sad
and pathetic.


it is boring me.

oh yeah that?

it is karma :)


it is done

got the final judgment divorce paperwork today :)
it is really all over.

is going with ..

this as the best song. ever. made.


tattoo back

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