September 17th, 2011

calvin significant


"some people are grateful when you offer them what they want most, but some people are terrified of it. because to gain your hearts desire you have to lose some part of your old life, your old self.  to do that you have to have courage; without it you cant make the leap. and if you dont make the leap, you have only three choices: you can hate yourself for not taking the chance, you can hate the person for whom you've sacrificed yourhappiness, or you can hate the one who offered you the happiness, and blame them for your lack of courage, convince yourself it wasnt real. that way, you dont have to hate yourself. its always easier to blame someone else."

from laurell k hamilton - hit list

tattoo back

grams birthday is coming up..

Mahogany 1997
“It’s mahogany,” Grannie says, “it does nothing for you.”
She is 80, so I forgive her.
“I’m an artist, I need to express myself,” as I pull my ski hat back on.
“Get that thing off in the house.”
“No, this way you won’t have to look at my hair.”
“Why don’t you just express yourself back to black.”
“I can’t, my hair is getting too gray.” 
I am only 27, so she forgives me. 
in the safety of my own home, 
I stand in the shower and wash my hair.
She will be pleased, the red is washing out.
I wash it twice, 
My hands are full of mahogany suds. 
They remind me that day in P-town.
The one that sealed your fate.
How I had to search for sweatpants
on the day the town closed for the season
“Those aren’t for you are they? They’re not your size”
“No, they are for my girlfriend.” 
She is bleeding to death in the public bathroom.
I remember the old woman attendant 
questioning if everything is OK 
with a wavering voice. 
I tipped her $2, 
all I had left in my pocket,
for letting us both go into the same stall, 
especially since it was the small one.
I watch the suds slide down the wall
audible plops 
shock my memory
and I relive the sick feeling in my stomach 
watching the water transforming 
into dark cherry soda 
with the addition of your blood clots 
just like my miscarriage.
Like these suds. 
They are everywhere.
I think of the sight of the fibroid you birthed that day
and the redness of blood that is staying in your body
now that they took your uterus.
The water runs clear 
down my body
over my abdomen housing my barren uterus. 
I think of how the water sometimes runs crimson when it is my time to bleed. 
I wonder if my hair has faded to crimson.
I wonder if Grannie would approve.